It's out.

 

 So Gen wrote two versions of my song, one in English and the other one in Chinese, but he apparently speaks better English than Chinese so his Chinese lyrics doesn't sound as smooth or deep as the English one. Then I decided to rewrite the Chinese lyrics. Today he sent me their new production of my lyrics; they spent the whole weekend recording the song with my new Chinese lyrics and now I just can't stop listeniang to it. 

English version.

 

Here's the Chinese version of it with my lyrics.

 

If this becomes a big hit then maybe I can be a bit closer to retirement.

All the photography works are mine. People who have watched the video all told me that my photography is pretty good. This reminds me that I had used my Canon PS G7 for so many years until iPhone 6 completed replaced it for me. And then I remembered that it was Ivan who taught me photography, how to structure a picture and how to manage exposure.

Today I had my talk therapy after I gave a talk at Little N's school. I hadn't had a talk therapy for 2 weeks because my therapist was traveling. I updated with her on all the drama I had over the past two weeks and she said it was indeed dramatic. Then I told her about my memory loss about Ivan; he was the only committed relationship I had before I got married and yet I had completely omitted him in my therapy. As soon as I mentioned Ivan (and I didn't even say his name), my tears just rolled down my face. I said that our 5-month long distance and break up were really bad. Back then there wasn't FaceTime, no WhatsApp, no 3G, let alone 5G or LTE. All the sudden I remembered he got me a Nokia Tablet with wifi so that I could talk to him when I wasn't at home. Even with wifi, back then the signals  and bandwidth weren't strong enough for a proper webcam conversation so all I could remember was his voice and his words. I couldn't even see his face when he said or wrote those hurtful words to me.

My therapist said that it's a memory I buried very deeply and never processed. But why do I remember that I grieved for 3 years until I left the City of Gold? Isn't 3 years of grieving a 1-year relationship long enough? Even for my 10-year relationship with Angel I don't think I need to grieve for that long because 6 out of the 10 years of our time together were just dead with duties; also from the start of relationship, it was mostly a structural compatibility and I kept having to hide most part of myself from Angel. I couldn't tell him my pain, my longing, what I really wanted, and for years I did not drop a tear in front of him. When Ivan and I were together, we were so young, and I was so unjaded and had so much hope in life. When I met Angel, I knew he would stay with me for the things I could do for him, so I kept doing, for 10 years.

Ivan seems to have dropped our email thread. Here's are entire exchange:

Me:

Why do you still read my blog?
What do you wanna talk about?

Ivan:

Hey, First off congrats on the little minions. 

 

Why won’t I read your blog? You started it when we were you know what. Anyways, I just felt like reconnecting with you. Can’t explain why. 

 

Me:

Thanks. You must be close to graduation from parenthood now. Or if your child is a hyperfunctional teenager then you can pretty much put them on autopilot mode.

 

Everything is so different now. For example, nobody uses an SLR these days; you pretty much use an iPhone pro max for everything. IG instead of FB (ok at least for Gen Z), WhatsApp instead of emails, ChatGPT instead of real humans. And who writes a blog these days?

 

Are you still into photography after all these years?

 

Ivan:

Not even close. Mine is turning 10 in a few days. Still calls me dada - hehe. We are divorced and she stays with her mom in a different city. She is a very well-balanced kid in spite of all that she has been through. 

 

As for photography I am into birds now. Have been photographing them for a few years. I don’t use Facebook. Only IG. With ChatGPT I am still behind the curve. Things in tech move too fast now. 

 

Me: 

Now I have even more questions. It sounds brutal that your daughter lives in a different city. I’m about to finalize my divorce settlement and we still all live under the same roof. I guess my divorce wasn’t a result of hostility and I think the kids do need a father in their life, and because my kids have special kids, logistically it’s better that they have two parents in their life. I just need to make sure I don’t see their dad (and because I work 9 hours a day and the kids go to bed at 8pm I can manage that without having to talk to their dad much).

 

Question 1: people in your country can legally divorce?!?!

 

Ok just kidding.

Why do I seem to remember that you got married young and had kids way earlier than I did?

 

Question 2: you, an engineer, are falling behind the curve of technology?!?! Or you simply meant that you haven’t built a robot partner?

 

What do you do for work now? You’re not engineering anymore? Or have you retired because you’re a billionaire now? Is that why you don’t need AI?

 

I completely deleted FB maybe 7 years ago and only use IG, but even with IG I only have less than 20 followers and post only kids’ life. It’s interesting that you’re into birds now. My soon-to-be-ex has this weird gift since he was a child that he could name any bird he sees in the world…yeah, he’s autistic.

 

Ok I gotta rush to work now!

 

******

What's the point of these people resurfacing in my life? To remind me that I still have unprocessed grief and I am not yet free from my past?

 

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream about Eric. He showed up to talk to me and then I got scared in my dream again and tried to wake myself up. This was the second it had happened to me. I don't want to be dreaming about him coming back into my life because he has pulled away and I'd freak out from my dream if he shows up in it and wake up immediately and an elevated heartrate. He knows his circumstances have been hurting me and in one conversation I asked him why he'd stay friends with his exes, and he said you don't stop loving someone just because you've stopped fucking them. I asked him if he thought all he gave was love and no hurt, and he said it works both ways. I told him even though he could tolerate both the love and pain at the same time it doesn't mean the other person can. I believe he understood what I meant and we have drifted apart since then.

 

Before my week-long vacation ends, I must see the movie One Battle After Another and A Big Bold Beautiful Journey. I saw the trailer of the latter when I went to see The Roses and completely cried my eyes out in that 2-minute trailer so I definitely need to see it when it comes out on Thursday even though most people on IMDB think it's too lame. I guess I am that lame still at age almost 40.