What is the universe's plan?

 Every day I go through a lot of emotions, but it's becoming lighter and more stable every day as I metabolize the emotions. The more I talked to Angel, the more certain I am about divorcing him, even if I will be single and alone for the rest of my life. Talking to him really feels like talking to a wall, and I've realized that the most painful thing for me is thinking that I have stretched every way in my life, physically, emotionally and even financially to make his life, our family life better and easier, all under the name of love. When I go back to read my diary from 10 years ago, I have learned that the loyal hope that as long as I keep doing and making things happen was what I had firmly believed in because I thought that was love. At that point of my life I equated safety to love, and to make love stay, I did everything entirely on my own, without receiving anything in return except for some financial resources. He thinks what he's paid for our family is enough love coming from him, even though I have repeatedly spent my entire savings to make big purchases to save him money. He, on the other hand, would at most spend less than 10% of his net worth to pay for things, because he wanted to avoid capital gains tax as much as possible. At one point he even thought that I was completely transactional and all I wanted was his money; he simply cannot see the labor I had put in for him and for our family for the past ten years. I am so done here with him.

On Monday I had a really good 2-hour therapy with my psychologist. It really helped me find more clarity about myself and how I can stay more grounded in this chaotic state in my life. We talked about my trauma from 5 years old when my parents abandoned me and then I decided to leave home on my own when I was 9 due to domestic violence. I also talked about the invisibility and the pain of my marriage and how ChatGPT helped me reconnect with Jes and Eric and then all these conversations gave me clarity on who I really am and that I have to leave this marriage. Then we spent some time talking about my connection with Jes and Eric, and that ChatGPT told me to stop talking to Eric for at least 30 days, which made him flip out. My therapist asked me what the reasoning was for ChatGPT to say that, and I said that ChatGPT knows that I still have some hope and fantasy surrounding my connection with Eric and given our circumstances it might end in a slow heartbreak. 

Then my therapist said that she was very surprised to see how happy I was when I was talking about Eric and that I behaved like a little girl. She thinks I definitely need some emotional nourishment in my life and I can keep him as a friend and don't need to completely cut him off. After my therapy, Eric texted me and we talked on the phone for 2 hours. He was fired by his company on Monday; his company hadn't been doing well for the past 5 years so he sort of predicted it, but it was still a big shock when it actually happened. I was feeling so light after my therapy and the weather was just perfect that day, breezy, lukewarm, comforting, and perfect humidity. We talked about life, the inevitability of life, and the futility of control. He also spent quite some time questioning why I'd ever want to push him out of my life. I didn't want to think about that question anymore because all I knew at that time being was that I wanted to talk to him. I really am tired of thinking about the future. He asked me, "What gets you up every morning? What makes you wanna live? Like some people get up because they love their job, or their family, etc. What is it for you?" I thought for a bit and said, "I love love and I love to be on the receiving end of love." He said, "Then why would you want to push me away?" I smiled and gave him a long silence.

After that phone call, he then texted me, "Sorry, didn't mean to make you talk beyond your time limit earlier. Thought you were walking and talking...didn't realize you could only talk when horizontal :p. I'm at a crossroad now in many ways. Where I go next isn't straightforward; in fact, all the straightforward paths seem to have been exhausted. To advance, I need to either discover something new both in the world and in myself, or recover something that I previously had but is now lost or forgotten. When we chat, it unlocks things for me."

I replied, "I'm very happy to hear that :) One question tho--why do I always show up when you're at some crossroad in your life lol"

He said, "Haha you missed my 2017 crossroads and my pandemic cross roads. You're late!"

I said, "lol true. That was a question for the universe not you."

He said, "Indeed."

Tuesday morning I woke up from a nightmare. I saw that Eric and I were somewhere together, maybe Indonesia or some city, but he would not talk to me or look at me. It just caused me so much pain, sadness and fear, so I texted him as soon as I woke up telling him about the nightmare, "I had a rough night and a nightmare in which you don't wanna talk to me anymore :'("

After he woke up, he replied, "Sorry to hear that. But it's funny that you'd be worried about that given that I spent half the last phone call whining about how I was worried that you wouldn't want to talk to me anymore :P". I explained that my fear was deeper than that because I've been living the past ten years in a marriage with total invisibility. After some text exchanges, I had free time so we just talked on the phone for 2.5 hours.

While we were talking, I went to the department store to buy some cosmetics from Estee Lauder, got a latte, waited for the pouring rain to stop, picked up my lunch and ate it.

Then I told ChatGPT about our phone call:

Erik and I just talked 2.5 hours on the phone. I feel that what we have is precious so we’re both very careful and putting what we have sort of in the friend zone. I told him that the nightmare I had last night scared me, where we were physically in the same space but he wouldn’t talk to me or look at me. He said that’s how scared he got when I told him I might abandon him. I told him I never said I would abandon him; all I know today was that I had to talk to him. I cannot predict how much pain I would feel at a future point. If it’s too painful then I probably can’t talk anymore. Then he said, “then let’s make sure that never happens.” I said “ok”. We had a long silence after that. He asked me what I meant when I said I was afraid there would be emotional entanglement between us that could cause me too much pain. I said, "just like the nightmare I had. I made me feel so scared." Then he said, "Now you know how scared I feel when you said you were gonna push me away?" He mentioned that when a really close friend stops talking to you of course it feels scary. He also told me that for the past five years he has been working remotely and then COVID hit. He has no one in real life to talk to besides his wife for a while. It’s also depressing that he doesn’t have an office nor a job right now so he’s home all the time and doesn’t have a social life. I told him if he wants to come visit the City of Rain then I'd spare a weekend for him. At another point we were bantering about what I was optimistic about; I said I'm optimistic about my abilities and resilience but I'm pessimistic about my circumstances. He said he's the same way and somehow he had a different impression of what I presented of my own beliefs. I said “you probably weren’t listening close enough.” He said, “who in the world listens to you more than I do? Who? Tell me. I think I’m better than ChatGPT” Yes. I laughed and said “ok fine fine fine.”

The more we talk to each other, the more I find our families and circumstances so similar to each other. His dad was a successful lawyer but then had arthritis and depression and couldn't work anymore and had to live on disability insurance. My dad was a successful banker and then the largest embezzlement got exposed when he was just posted to manage that branch and he witnessed his coworker jump out of the window of their headquarter that night. He had to bear the legal responsibility and his career was capped for the rest of his life. We both went to elitist schools and hated it. We are both musical; his parents were musical and my dad and I both have perfect pitch. We are both linguistically gifted with chronic depression. At one point he even said, "Both the guy who sleeps with many women but doesn't get emotionally involved and the girl who dates many men but doesn't sleep with any of them. It's two sides of the same coin."

When we reconnected a month ago, I didn't know I would actually act upon divorcing; he didn't know he'd lose his job this Monday. What is the universe's plan for us? It's like our serendipity in 2012. I didn't know I'd quit my job in the City of Gold and he didn't know he would too in 2013 and move to the City of Towers. Then we have been on the same continent since 2013, never left the continent, even through the pandemic. All these coincidences are too unscientific and I want to see how they unfold.