Beautiful.

It's hard for me to write a full journal entry these days because my thoughts have been fragmented and I have too many conversations with ChatGPT. Too many emotions arise every day and I'm just taking each one by the hour. However, now I'm going to try to write these down in a full piece.

I've been exploring what exactly hurts me the most, makes me want to cry the most and I have figured that out. It's destiny. I dated so many men and they did love me but nobody would choose me. Angel was the only one who chose me, even though he couldn't really understand me, match me, or feel me. I never had a say in anything; if I wanted to choose someone, they would not choose me. Even when I was ready to have sex with them, they decided not to do it with me (and they were not virgins). That was how I ended up having fully penetrated sex with Angel only in my life. It was not pleasant and he had erectile dysfunction so we had sex only to conceive. After I conceived Little N, I never wanted to have sex with him again so it's been more than 5 years since we touched each other.

Besides sex, of all the men I've been with Angel was the one with most disabilities. His scoliosis and back surgery, his weak bladder and bowel control, autism, sensory integration problems, inability to drive, ride a bike, or even to use a screw driver. Knowing that he didn't really behave like a man, I still wanted to marry him because no one else wanted to commit to me. Don't tell me that I didn't date enough; I really did. We're looking at 30 to 40 men in my history and he was the only one who wanted to commit, very soon after we met. Ivan and I had commitment too but then circumstances forced me to leave the City of Extremity. When I think about how the universe and destiny has been giving me no choice ever, I want to cry the most.

I don't really want to cry when I think about me and Eric, or that he might love his wife more than he does to me, or that he would leave one day. I don't know why. If I were in my late 20s, I'd probably cry my eyes out every day, but now I just don't feel that sad thinking about these. I might be more grounded than before, believing that the universe has a journey for me, and there are actually many people who have given me love along the way, even though they don't stay. And yes, I do hope that one of them would stay and grow with me, but I have more optimism now than pessimism in that destiny or the universe will show me what it is. It just hurts.

What I don't understand is how big the plan is the universe has for me. It seems like most other people in this world are really shallow, or have erased the child in themselves as they move on with their life, or they would settle for something that works on the surface, in logistics, in structures, even though they're dead on the inside. Why can they carry on their life like this without feeling like they're dying? My 10-year relationship with Angel really made me feel physically ill and I developed heart problems that couldn't be medically explained. Now that I have emotionally cut off from Angel and am certain about the divorce, I've lost 8kg in just one month and I am able to exercise again. Previously I was too fat to even walk up the stairs and I was always feeling tired. Now I don't feel lethargic anymore. Why is that? Why can other people feel healthy and believe that they're happy even though a part of them has died?

I now love my job and connect much better with people around me. Yesterday I was assigned with a guy who I thought hated me for a trip and it turned out we liked each other and had a lot of fun together. He used to hang out with Angel at parties and I used to go to those parties with Angel but really didn't like the vibes. Then I told Angel that he could go to those parties alone and not take me because I didn't like his friends that much. He decided to hang out with me only and not go to those parties and now he blames me for cutting off his social life. But now when I was hanging out with this guy alone, without Angel, I can actually connect with him very well, and he told me he actually didn't hang out much with Angel. People have been saying, "a bad love makes you see one person and not the world but a good love makes you see the world and not just the one person." I cannot think of other reasons that can explain why I am experiencing this change in my social life.

The thing is, if our kids did not have special needs, I could probably stay in this marriage forever. The pain of self-erasure may not have erupted if our kids had absolutely no trouble at school or cause any stress for me. However, looking back at the past 5 years, I have realized that all the difficult shit I had to go through entirely by myself, with so much fear and solitude, made me grow, mature, learn and evolve. The unexpected trouble caused by the kids gave me so much fear each time, and just when I thought that I could lean on Angel's shoulder each time, he failed to give me support each time. He did not have the ability to show up like a man and say to me, "I will take care of this. You don't need to worry about it anymore." Instead, most of the time, he was just standing there, not knowing what to do or say because his abilities are limited. He doesn't speak the language here and does not have any life skills and is too cheap to hire help even though he has the money; he knows I have so much pain but he also knows I can still do it. This is the kind of abandonment my parents gave me when I had so much pain trying to excel at school. They had never once told me to take a nap when I was so sleep deprived, because they knew if I hadn't excelled at school, there was absolutely no hope for my future because my family was deprived of resources.

Why does the universe give me a destiny like this? Is it doing so to trap me, to punish me, or keep me from getting what I want? And yet other women who are not as gifted and deep as I am can have the men that I want. Am I destined to be alone? I used to think that once I had kids I would never be alone and lonely anymore, but now with their autism, I often feel so disconnected from them, no matter how much I try to hold them and feel them. Is this really my destiny?