Fate, the Universe, a joke?

Scratch words: depression, fate, let go, comparison, fucking cunt, failure, love or hate, gratitude, overcome loneliness

I haven't written anything here for the longest time ever. It's mostly because Angel has assumed the role of X, which means I don't need to write to X anymore. However, there's one thing I cannot be 100% open with Angel so I need X again.

Before I met Angel, I'd imagined X to be ubiquitous and 100% supportive. X would always be there in my darkest moments. I thought that was "the one" would be like. But now I've made my commitment to Angel and come to the realization that he's a human being after all. X, in my imagination, is more like God, or the Universe, or the Multiverse, however people call it these days. "The one" does not exist because "the one" for me would be the savior, but who can save me besides myself really?

So here I am writing to X again. Over the past few months, there were times when I suddenly felt depressed or anxious and couldn't help myself so I turned to Angel. However, that turned into arguments and disrupted his sleep. As a result, that gave him terrible back pain and terrified him, which then terrified me. Since a few incidents like that, I began to pull back a little. I feel the need to hide that dark shit from him as respect for him, as one of my responsibilities as someone's spouse. No one in the world can handle my dark shit anyway. Members in my family are estranging from me, so are my friends who I've known for over a decade. I have no friends, just Angel. I can only cherish and appreciate him but that becomes a paradox. By respecting, cherishing, and appreciating, I on the other hand have to suppress the sensitive, sad part of me, which then increases my level of stress and depression. Maybe the whole idea of being in a relationship with anyone, either romantic, familial, or amiable, isn't suited for my innate character?

So why have I got so depressed all the sudden? It all begins with stress of course. Stress has been building up since Angel and I are planning our wedding. There are so many opinions and value conflicts that I have to mediate between our families and between us too. His back problem occasionally makes me concerned. And Facebook, fucking Facebook. I had to re-activate my Facebook a while ago because my mom insisted on getting a makeup artist for my engagement reception and I decided to go back on Facebook to find one. This became very toxic because I go up there to look at people's feeds every few days. My entire homepage is filled with wedding and baby photos; some pretty girls who used to make fun of my body in high school are even married the second time (also to wealthy, successful, good-looking men) while I haven't even got married once. I know. Comparison does not make us happy, but I simply cannot resist doing so. I am so powerless in response to the nasty voice inside of me and that hurts people around me, including Angel (and of course the vicious cycle begins again--me hurting them just makes me even more guilty and blame myself and stressed).

But why today? Why am I writing today? I was supposed to go to Angel's place and spend another dayoff with him but I told him I couldn't because I was in a dark place and wanted some alone time to write things late at night and run some errands alone the next day. The incident that totally defeated me today was again, FUCKING FACEBOOK. I was still only half awake in bed and somehow my subconsciousness told me to check out Facebook. I did, and the headline news on my homepage was pictures of Ken's 60-day old daughter.

This put me in a complete shock and pain. First, if we do some math here, the baby was conceived in July 2015, maybe even on his birthday, but he texted me in August asking how I had been and whether I was busy work-wise. He also refused my proposal to go to a Maroon 5 concert simply because he didn't have the money. All these were lies. He's a fucking coward; why couldn't he just tell me he was in a committed relationship or married? Why couldn't he just be straight-forward with me about his feelings for me? Why did he have to lie and sugarcoat things so he can be spared of feeling guilty? White lies and sugarcoating things do not make me feel less hurt; either way I am devastated.

And now you my say: are you fucking crazy? You're getting married to Angel and why do you still have feelings for another man?

No, I don't have feelings for Ken. I have been hating him since his last text message. I fucking despise him but the blade works both ways; I fucking despise myself too. He would buy so many nice things when he really wants to chase a girl; he would fly across the world over a weekend just to see her. But that girl was never me. I was like his trash can; he dumps his worst shit on me. And here's what really depresses me--Why don't I get to be that girl? Why don't I get to be the girl who gets to reject 100 men and accepts only one who showers her with most gifts and love? Why do I bring out the worst in men? What the fuck is wrong with me? FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

I kept trying to comfort myself and say to myself that maybe he did fuck up; maybe that was a lovechild. But no. After some googling, his wife is a year younger than me, finished UChicago undergrad within only three years, was a classmate of my #1 high school rival and still is a Facebook friend of hers, spent time in Canada and Richard's City as a teenager, is a CFA, worked for one of those bulge bracket banks, is a successful entrepreneur whose company has recently been funded by Alibaba, a mom and wife of Ken. How is it possible that someone can have so much within such a short amount of time? I'm sure Ken adored her credentials and accomplishments and that's why they're there today.

And I know very well what you're going to tell me now: You should be loved for who you are, not for what you do or have. Can't you see that she's being loved for only what she does and has? If someone can secure an investment bank job fresh out of college in the year when the financial crisis took place, they must have family connections. You know very well that Ken has always been going after daughters of wealthy families. Are you sure Ken is capable of filling up her emotional needs? You shouldn't build your self-worth on how a man sees you. You are who you are and you should be loved for just that.

I know all these very well, I really do. But these voices cannot triumph over the dark pit in my heart that's been there forever. I really wish I could have all those so I could have my pick of man. People always say I should choose what I love, and love what I choose. But can we really escape from our fate, our destiny? I have always been the one rejected by man; those I rejected were either violent, sex perverts, sociopaths, or really old divorcees. I don't know what it's like to have a line of men who all have met my minimum requirement and then I get to choose who treats me the best. That sounds like a far-fetched dream. Angel has everything on the list and loves me with all his heart so I have no choice but to "choose" him. There were times when I felt really frustrated and stressed out by his back problem because I was, and still kind of am, terrified by other people questioning his back problem, especially if those people are my family. At one point I asked myself if I could live with that back problem, and I thought so. That's why we're getting married.

I love Angel, and I would die without him. Last Saturday night my brain went into over-functioning mode again and couldn't stop asking him questions. He got upset and cried because he was afraid that this kind of argument before he slept would cause him backache. All the sudden, I felt so lonely. I guess I am alone after all, just not as frequent as before. In my darkest moments, when I'm sinking into the dark pit full of nasty shit, I am still alone. No one can pull me out. No one. Like right now.

After I started crying, Angel comforted me. I massaged his back and he felt much better and fell asleep. That night I had horrifying dreams: I first saw Angel was hooking up with two ugly women I had never seen before and was leaving me; the second dream was that he called off the wedding and disappeared. I couldn't find him anywhere and when I finally saw him, he said he was leaving me and I got so angry and screamed so hard in my dream that I flew in the air (of course in my dream). So obviously, I cannot live without Angel.

I know I am lucky, and I am thankful for that every single day. But my depression is sucking me in; I am often not myself when that happens. I don't believe in medical treatment of depression. I want to be able to rid myself of those degenerate thoughts on my own. Those thoughts include:
1. I bring out the worst in men.
2. No men want to be with me except for those who have serious problems.
3. I am so fucked up that I have attracted all sorts of men with low self-esteem and after seeing how much more fucked up I was than they were, they all moved on to marrying someone much better than I.
4. Those women have men who drive luxury cars to take them everywhere but I will never be able to expect that from Angel.
5. Those women have men who would fly across the globe just to see them for one weekend but I will never be able to expect that from Angel.
6. I am fucking pathetic. I mean nothing to anyone I ever dated.
7. I don't understand why Angel loves me so much while no one else does.

An image that soothes me is me and Angel being alone somewhere without any family or friends, just us, so no one could judge him or me. It could be Bali, where we would like to retire one day. I want to escape from all social media, all civilization, the need to support myself financially, the need to compete and compare, all skeptical eyes, all the people bragging about what they have, or simply put, all people. We can be completely ourselves and relax in hidden hot springs, caves, waterfalls, forests and forget about everyone's questions, judgments, and demands. In this scenario, I probably don't have kids. Oh well. Maybe I'm not evolved enough to have kids after all.

My curse to Ken: Everything you did to me will happen to your daughter, your baby girl, the love of your life. She will fall madly in love with a man who only uses her for her intelligence and presence and in the end marries someone else and leaves your daughter in unnecessarily prolonged pain. He will come visit her in the middle of the night when he's completely drunk and strip her clothes off while your daughter still thinks that it's an act of love.