Life Every Time

The unexpected in life is always the best part of life, and the only constant in life. This morning at 4 o'clock, I received a call from Ken. I was asleep and answered the phone sort of assuming I was dreaming. My subconsciousness was happy to receive his call and hear his voice so I'm pretty sure I answered the call in a happy, warm voice. I can't even remember exactly what he said because I was literally half asleep. He said he was jetlagged and couldn't sleep. He just finished watching the Argentinian game and would like to bring me breakfast. I said, "OK" just like that without even thinking, recalling whatever he did to me the last time we met.

Then I became more awake and texted my brother. I told him what just happened and he said Ken just wanted to hook up. So I decided to be upfront with him via texting. I asked him if he was drunk and if sex was implied. He didn't answer the first one but said no to the latter. Then I thought it would be fine for him to drop by. It had been 8 months since our last incident and I had been thinking about him recently.

Life always does this every time. Whenever I'm thinking about Ken, he shows up. It doesn't happen that easily with other men. What is the universe's message for me, for both of us?

He got here and I asked him to talk to me first outside of my building. He said he was getting mosquito bites and wanted to come to my place. I said, "remember what happened last time when you were at my place?" He assured me nothing like that would happen so I brought him home.

He was very drunk. I could smell it. He seemed older too. The mixed smell of cigarettes and alcohol was very familiar to me.

When he got into my place, he sat on the couch first. He asked like 20 times how I was doing. I told him that I'd been really busy with work and if I had free time, I'd paint. Then he mocked my paintings on the wall. He said he could do those too, and I did much better on iPad. He kept digressing the conversation and moved into my bed. I also told him that my younger brother might marry his gay partner in Australia. Finally, I asked him again, "how have you been?"

He finally told me what was going on in his mind. His cousin died a few days ago, around his 35th birthday. He said he had been lost for months. I guess that was why he called me in February. He said, "people fight so hard to be healthy, and yet you can't fight leukemia. You work so hard to make money, but what's the meaning of life? My life is meaningless. My cousin was a great guy. He didn't deserve this. He was the kind of guy who would go out of his way to help others. He loved everyone else but himself. And what have I been doing? I help rich people get richer." Then I told him it wasn't a competition. "You're great too. It's about who you are, not what you do."

He continued murmuring something about death and life and said, "I am sad. I feel so much pain in my heart and I couldn't shred a tear." I was very familiar with that kind of pain. I said, "it's depression. I understand exactly what you're feeling." I cried as he told me these things. It was the first time for me to hear Ken's truth in words. There were many times when I saw his emotions through his eyes, but he was never honest in words. I put my hand on his back and I told him in tears that I was sad and sorry to hear that. He still didn't cry, but he said, "sorry for affecting your mood." I said, "no it's fine. Thank you for sharing."

He also talked about living in the present. He realized people fight so hard and forget to live in the present moment, but he was still unable to do so. He's always traveling and adjusting his jetlag. He's still never present. Somehow he didn't seem to remember what happened last time but I felt more laidback this time. I told him again that I was a virgin and he was shocked as if he just found out about it for the first time. He asked me why and I said because I didn't want to do it with someone who doesn't love me. Then he said, "you mean no one has ever loved you so far? That's sad! don't tell anyone that you're virgin. You won't be able to find someone to marry you." I replied, "there're plenty of men who like virgins. The right one will like it." I was exhausted and was falling asleep. One thing led to another and he wanted to touch my breasts again. I demurred again. At one point I got really upset and sat up in bed, holding myself. He said, "alright alright. Just come back to bed." He held me for a little while in his arm as I was trying to fall asleep. But he started to talk again.

He was telling me that I didn't realize how much I had been missing out in life and the fact that no man would ever marry a virgin. He asked me how many men I had gone down on and I replied five or six. He asked me if I liked it and I said I hated it. Seriously, only men like getting blowjobs and I really don't like giving it. He asked me what I liked, and I said I like the real stuff. He said, "but you've never tried it! How'd you know you like it?" I said I just knew. We continued these miscellaneous sex/relationship facts and all of a sudden, he burst out, "I am a virgin. You're looking at a 35-year-old virgin now." At first, I was like, "yeah fuck off." Then he said, "that's why all I did was this (hands above my chest)." Then I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Later, all the people I consulted didn't believe he was telling the truth, but somehow I believe him. That explains why he didn't kiss me because he can't get intimate with anyone. It also makes destiny seem even more magical. What if we're the exact same type of people? We seem antsy and flirtatious on the outside, but deep down we're holding back for true love.  He got up and sat on my couch. I said, "we're equally fucked up." He said, "no you're more fucked up than me." I said, "you're 7 years older than me and you're still a virgin. And I'm a girl. Girls are expected to be innocent." He made no response. Maybe he suddenly sobered up again and realized that I actually believed his lie. I don't know if I believe it. It seems to make me feel happy if I do believe in it. But I don't care anymore. I feel content and happy to know that he turned to me when he was in despair.

Before he left my apartment, we gave each other a hug. I hugged him softly and yet firmly for a while. He said, "oh this feels so good". But soon, he unhooked my bra and tried to grab my breasts again. His head must be really screwed up by all the anti-depressants, alcohol, and nicotine. He did kiss me on the cheek this time and I kissed him back when we were hugging each other.

Before he arrived at my place, I had rehearsed a few times, "I love you, and I'm afraid I always will, but I also love myself." However, I never actually told him that. I felt very confused at that moment. I do love Ken, and I'm afraid I always will. When I look into his eyes, or be next to him, I see and feel myself. I see a sensitive, vulnerable little child who always puts other people's interests in front of our own; the little easily irritated child who cannot express themselves because they're afraid the truth will drive people away; the child who loves everyone else but themselves. I can't not love Ken, but I love myself, and he is myself. All my worries and anxiety are gone whenever I'm next to him. I'm scared of nothing and all the things that disquiet me don't seem to matter anymore. That's how it is whenever I'm with Ken. I feel utterly, veritably safe.

If one day he marries another girl, I will be devastated. But right now, I don't care to think about it anymore. I believe that he needs me, and of course I need him too. We just need some more time. His cousin, who was only 25, just passed away and this is a turning point for him in his life. If he's meant to be with me, he will figure it out and come be with me.

Hiccup and Toothless just made me cry like hell in 3D. The kind of loyalty, bonding, and fearlessness among Hiccup, Toothless, and Astrid is worth a lifetime to cherish, a life to sacrifice.

"Stay
You come back to me always anyway
Leave a mark
You said you never really loved her anyway
Why do I take this lonely road
Nobody here to walk with me
Don't want start fresh all over again
Why won't you just comfort me?

Now I'm all messed up
Sick inside, wondering where
Where you're leaving your makeup
Now I'm all messed up
Sick inside wondering who
Whose life you're making worthwhile"