New Year

I had my talk therapy this morning and my therapist asked me what hopes and goals I have for 2026. I told her that I’d like to be healthier, both physically and mentally, and emotionally I hope to find the feeling of safety. I also hope that socially I can have more people in my inner circle, and eventually I’d like to have someone I can put as my emergency contact. Speaking of this, when I had my physical exam on Dec 31, I put Tony as my emergency contact, and this got me thinking—an emergency contact doesn’t have to be my partner or biological family member. It’s just an emergency contact. Maybe one day I can put my BFF at work as my emergency contact too.

Late last night I got a text from Eric and I didn’t sleep well last night. Maybe it was because I had coke when I was watching Avatar late at night at the theater, maybe it was also because I saw the email from Angel’s dad after I got home and replied. After I finished writing my blogpost last night this text arrived and I didn’t fall asleep until 4am and got up at 8:30am somehow. I’ve noticed that Eric tends to activate my body and causes me to have very short sleep. And also he causes me anxiety I think, even from such a brief exchange. 

The moment when I read that “our car” I just immediately thought that he was with his wife, and he’s not taking the initiative to talk to me on the phone. That gives me lots of pain and I just don’t want to feel that way anymore. That’s why I gave him a sarcastic reply and really didn’t know what to say. I don’t feel safe saying my truth to him, such as “I have wanted to talk to you from time to time” or “I miss our conversations”. And once I lose that feeling of safety to tell my truth to someone, it’s usually the end. It’s when I close the door on this person.

Just like how I did it with Angel and his family, because it’s no longer safe and protected for me. I can’t keep my heart wide open to people who can’t hold it. So speaking of this, my therapist today also told me that I am very honest and truthful with feelings. She says most people would just learn to numb themselves, starting young even in teenage years. It’s very obvious that’s how Angel and his family operate. They don’t even have the capacity to face any bit of emotions from their own family. For example the other day when I was driving them to a restaurant, Angel’s mom asked me, “how’s your younger brother doing?” I said, “I had no idea,” and then I waited for a minute and said, “I don’t talk to any of them now.” Then Angel’s mom said, “how come I don’t see many Teslas in the City of Rain these days?”

Wow. I have never met anyone who has zero social/connection skills like this except for Little O who’s autistic. She is a woman with multiple Ivy League degrees and lives in the elite circle of the City of Money, and yet she offers zero emotional attunement to someone she’s known for 10 years. 

Anyway back to my therapist. She said I somehow am more alive than most people because I refuse to numb my feelings and truth, and I agreed but I also told her over the years a lot of people have left me because they don’t like what they hear from me. I don’t even tell white lies and yet my students all find me positive and compassionate because I genuinely see the goodness in everyone, at least in all children and minors. I have the ability to connect with any child, disabled or not, but when it comes to adults, I am very very selective and reserved, although over the years I think I’ve made some close friends at work and my friendships with several coworkers are growing stronger. So that’s improvement I think.

Then today I got another happy new year text from Richard. So Richard and I have been in touch sporadically because I’m in the process of applying for him to be a visiting scholar at my school.

Richard: Happy new year Kendra. May this new year bring you all that you wish for. Hope you had a good break

[2026/1/2, 7:06:20 PM] Me: Aww that does sound very good. Thank you and you too!

[2026/1/2, 7:07:03 PM] Richard: And happy to wait till the PTA figures something out. I’d love to come to City of Rain next week and I am also in the City of Richard for 4 days so maybe just chilling makes sense

[2026/1/2, 7:07:23 PM] Richard: Very keen to make this work and hang out with you in City of Rain this year!

[2026/1/2, 7:09:34 PM] Me: Why don’t you just come regardless of what the PTA says? I can at least introduce you to our CFO, Dean of academics and instructional coach and some folks in the history department (Econ is under history at my school)

[2026/1/2, 7:10:28 PM] Me: And whatever good food you like, you can find it in the City of Rain for sure

[2026/1/2, 7:11:29 PM] Richard: Haha. I’d love to. When do you guys reopen? Realistically it would have to be next Friday if I came for the day

[2026/1/2, 7:11:44 PM] Richard: Provided the flights are not crazy priced

[2026/1/2, 7:14:47 PM] Me: We open on Monday. Friday would be great because it’s my lighter day (where I teach only two periods with 3 consecutive free periods in between) and you can probably sit in one of my classes and watch me teach 😅

[2026/1/2, 7:15:38 PM] Me: You only plan to spend one day here?

[2026/1/2, 7:16:44 PM] Me: If you come for a weekend we can go get some real good food

When I compared how I felt reading Richard’s text and Eric’s, I’ve realized Eric has caused me too much pain, while with Richard, my body feels much lighter, and a sense of being appreciated and warmth. It’s not that we still have romantic feelings with each other. When he visited me and crashed at my place in the City of Power in 2011, I remember it was Valentine’s Day, I was still in so much pain. I couldn’t fully process the shame of being dismissed from my PhD program, the unspeakable amount of pain from breaking up with Ivan, having to get back on my feet and living with so much debt to get my master’s degree. I projected so much fantasy into Richard when he finally came to visit me; I wanted to believe so much that he was much more than Ivan so when he left (at that time he already had a steady girlfriend from Boston), I was so depressed and could shed a tear. Now he’s been married to that same girl for over ten years I believe. I learned about his marriage when his brother came to visit me in the City of Rain in 2014 I think. That was when I decided that everyone would end up with someone, even if that someone wasn’t their true love, so I was determined to find someone to marry. 

I have no idea about Richard’s wife and how they met etc. He made no mention of her when he visited me in 2011. How did Richard and I meet? It goes way back to 2006, when we were in the City of Richard for a summer program. I was only 20 and he was 23. We could talk a lot and our banter was nonstop, but I was never attracted to him because I was still loving Jes at that time, although Jes kept telling me to date and hook up with men in my real life to be healthy. But then after many parties together, one night back at our dorm, he told me he really really really liked me and asked me to give him a kiss, so I did (under the influence of alcohol) on the lips, no tongue, and gave him a hug. Even other people in the program kept asking me why I wouldn’t date him because they all knew he was so into me, and I just said I wasn’t physically attracted to him. lol now when I think back I see how ridiculous I was.

I honestly can’t remember when we officially French kissed, but there was a lot of them, and making out, etc. lol. Towards the end of the program we both knew it had to end and we would probably never see each other again and he just broke up with me at the last banquet. It was so mean and I was really upset. But later that night he made up with me and kept telling me “I was miserable without you”. After he went back to the City of Charles, we still chat from time to time but it was very painful for me. He had told me he loved me and that was the first time in my life someone told me he loved me. I wanted to go visit him but my mom threatened me that she’d kill herself if I went. Richard in 2011 told me he send me a letter to the City of Rain but I never received it. Now I’d never know what he wrote about me at age 23. 

Then he moved on, but it always takes me longer than others to move on. I did make a trip to Europe in the summer of 2007 but he already had a girlfriend at that time and I never got my miracle.

So speaking of miracles, lately I’ve been thinking that I have a habit of imagining a miracle every now and then, especially on New Year’s Eve, but a miracle has never happened. When I got into my PhD program on full scholarship I thought it was a miracle, but then it ended so tragically. When Richard told me he’d visit me in 2011, I thought it was miracle but to him it probably wasn’t anything meaningful and he didn’t had those feelings he had for me in 2006. I had waited for years for us to see each other again but it just wasn’t the same anymore. I have imagined all kinds of miracles in my life but none of them has ever happened. I used to think getting married in Bali would be a miracle for me and I’d feel so emotional at my wedding and cry a lot; I imagined the one in my life would write the most heartwarming vows for our wedding, but it turned out I was already numb at my actual wedding in Bali and we used an internet template for our vows. I used to watch other couples’ wedding videos and imagined that my wedding vows would be full of our personal stories and love, but Angel and I never had good stories to tell from our relationship.

When Eric came to visit me in the City of Rain in June 2025. I thought it was a miracle and beautiful things would happen between us, and all we did were just many hugs full of longing. 

After Ivan broke up with me, I deleted all of our email exchanges and it was so clean that I could barely find any trace. The surprising thing was that when I left the City of Gold in 2013, I actually sent him an email to tell him that my American dream was over. No reply of course. I don’t even remember this until I was looking through my archives. I wonder what I was thinking back then. I thought I was all over Ken and had locked up Ivan in the last. When I got my degree in 2012, I emailed Ivan’s buddy and he told me that Ivan was getting married and I told his buddy that I never had any bf since Ivan and I was determined to get married by 30, and I did. I didn’t have any official bf between Ivan and Angel and I did get married at age 30. It was so hard to find someone who wanted to commit to me, and it still is. 

If the universe tells me the miracles are my two boys, I’d believe it and be content with just the two of them. What exactly is a miracle anyway? Isn’t the fact that I’m still alive after so much  miracle? Isn’t the fact that I conceived Little N in one shot without penetration a miracle?

I just watched the very first Avatar tonight and then realized I understood it too little when I first saw it in 2009. The idea of “I see you” is so powerful and it’s something that I’ve been missing my whole life.