To remember this

It’s past midnight again but I really need to write this down.

So in August a new guy joined our department. He’s six years younger than I am and now he’s replaced me to be the youngest person in the department. Let’s call him Jinu, from Kpop Demon Hunters, lol. The very first day we met, we just seemed to click and had a lot of things to chat about. He told me his parents were divorced when he was little, his parents’ job and his brother’s job. We have talked about everything within the first few days of our training, including nature vs nurture, food, culture, politics, language, philosophy, psychology, mental health (he’s very health conscious because of the genes he carries), and he told me that somehow he had told me way more things he’d tell anyone else and that I’ve unlocked some memories in him. I told him, “so it sounds like I’m your therapist.” And he said, “yeah. Send me the bill.” 

On the first day of work, when I was in a hurry to my room, my mouse slipped off from my laptop. Jinu was walking behind me. Before I bent down to grab it, Jinu immediately rushed from behind me and picked it up for me. That was a moment when I felt so warm, so seen and understood, and I thanked him right away.

Over the last two months we often chat with each other during our lunch breaks. During the fall break he visited the country where his parents were from, and on our first day back at work, he wanted to show me pictures of all sorts of food he had back there because he thought of the fact that I liked seafood. In our more recent conversations we talked about EMDR, trauma, therapy, childhood abuse. He told me after his parents got divorced his mom was dating a man who was abusive to him and his brother and that was how he started therapy—court mandated therapy. I didn’t reveal that I grew up with domestic violence but I told him that I am getting trauma therapy with someone from California and I think I’ll be getting therapy for the rest of my life.

Ok so today, Monday, during our lunch break, we were chatting about food again. Then from one thing to another, including Singaporean elitism, British elitism, academic elitism, I talked about the noodle shop incident where that lunatic bullied me and my child. After I told him what happened, he said, “i knew you’d flip out about that guy. If I were there I’d physically block him out. You couldn’t have texted me and I live right around the corner. I would have physically stopped the guy.” I thanked him twice and said, “oh well it was six months ago and you had not moved to the City of Rain yet.”

Then I also mentioned that in the US last summer a man told me to take my child out of the restaurant until he’d stopped crying. Even tho their dad was sitting right there but these bullies always confront me, never the dad. Then Jinu asked me, “so is your ex living in America now?” I said, “no he’s in the British department across the hall.” Then Jinu paused a few seconds with surprised eyes to piece it together and asked me, “so is he your ex…” and I quickly said quietly (cuz this happened all in our office!) “I’m in the process of divorcing” and he quickly got that and said “so the father of your child…” and he also mentioned that his mom was a single mom and there were times when his mom couldn’t manage he and his brother’s behaviors so he could understand what I went through.

Anyway I chose to write this down before I sleep because I have a few things I’d like to say to Jinu, here, not in person.

Thank you for having the instinct to protect me, to stand between me and the cruel world. That’s something I’ve been craving for my whole life but never had. I don’t know who in the world could protect me, or us, except for myself. I wish you could be different from other men, but I really don’t know, and I’m too scared to hope for anything at this point of my life. I wish there was a way to go back in time, so that you really could stand in front of me and block that guy, block the bullying. But you weren’t there. What’s the universe’s message to me that you weren’t there?

I’ve cried so many times today already just thinking about what Jinu said to me. I don’t think he’s interested in me because he’s very social and has made so many friends here already. It seems like many other women also enjoy chatting with him. I, on the other hand, am still very quiet and introverted; I focus on getting the work done every day and leave work on time to avoid unpaid overtime. I can only connect with a few people who vibe with me, and I can never be the popular kind.