Write for the sake of writing

Wow, I can't believe I haven't written anything for such a long time. Actually, at this moment, I'm still sort of dragging myself to the laptop to write something because 1) it's been way too long and 2) if I don't write something, I'll begin to forget how to spell words.

Well, our storybook wedding took place over a month ago. One thing I've observed since turning 30 is that time really is transient; while I still remember every detail on my wedding day and it's been 35 days already.

What can I write about my wedding day? Magical, perfect, classy, dreamy. The universe is definitely on my side because we had a perfect, cloudless, warm and breezy weather during the rainy season in Bali. With all the blessings from our friends and family, all my anxiety had gone. That's why people need to have a wedding to celebrate their marriage--a wedding is the epitome of love. We can deeply remember and honor the sacredness and bliss of togetherness only after going through such a beautiful wedding. A marriage is indeed way beyond the couple themselves; it's about bringing two families and friends from both sides together.

Honestly, I still don't have much to write about. I have some fragmented ideas about things here and there but I can't put them together into a coherent essay. My life is now hectic because I need to wrap up work at my current job, which ends at the end of February, and relearn math, which I will begin teaching in March. I've got lots of anxiety about how I am ever going to be fully prepared for all the classes I'm teaching and will be teaching, but then, heh.

Another reason why I don't write as much is that I barely have the need to write. I used to write whenever I felt pain and lonely, but I don't feel those things as much as before. Of course Angel and I have bad times; sometimes I get triggered whenever he was feeling sick because I had always been scolded whenever I got sick growing up; for my instincts, getting sick is a sign of weakness and irresponsibility. Throughout my life, I had always been alone when I was going through serious flu with high fever, even back in the City of Power when I couldn't afford the co-pay of visiting a doctor. I know such mentality is fucked up and absolutely wrong, but old habits die hard. I would be overwhelmed by stress whenever Angel felt pain here and there and lash out. The upside is that I always recover and go back to my normal, sweet self with his presence. Therefore, I rarely need to write anymore.

At the point of my life, there isn't any big worry anymore. Occasionally I would bitch my parents about their debt that they're unable to afford and that becomes my responsibility from time to time. But then, it's just money and I'm not broke anymore. Sometimes I worry that if we can't have kids, we would be alone and helpless when we're old. But again, without 20 or more years of responsibilities of raising kids, we can retire in just 5 years and begin to travel around the world. Isn't that my dream come true? Other times I worry about my performance at work, but again, these things seem so trivial to me now. If I were 5 years or 8 years younger, I would have taken these things so seriously, so personally that I'd be so depressed. And now, I've let everything go in my life and don't really ask for more.

So perhaps right now is a magical point of my life. Am I starting to mature now? When I look back in my life, how Angel and I make it through from the beginning to now, how I have come so far to where I am right now, it all seems very transient and a bit surreal like a dream. I'm more committed to feeling and focusing on each present moment and often neglecting the big picture. What's the point of the big picture really if the details are not attended to? And when I'm only focusing on each of the fleeting moment, after a while, I would find the big picture so beautiful and it would turn out the way I wanted it to be. I beginning to learn the lesson now--when we really let go of everything, things begin to turn good and we get what we want. However, a very important principle to remember here--we don't let go of things so we can get what we want; we have to let go and know that even if we don't have what we want, it will be OK.

I can't think of much to add to the above. I slept only 5 hours last night and worked all the way from yesterday evening till this afternoon. I'm about to pass out.