Baggage

The past four months have been insanely hectic. First of all, summer has always been my busiest season. On top of that, Angel and I had our engagement reception in both the City of Rain in June and in his parents' home in July, and we also got legally married after flying back from the City of Money. After that, I moved in with Angel, which was another exhausting project. What's more, I still have to plan our wedding in Bali in December. What's even more, we have just started to try to conceive.

Oh wow, even just briefing what we've been doing over the past 4 months in a short list already sounds overwhelming. Oh there's even more (lol), I have a big interview tomorrow with Angel's boss for a sweet opportunity at his school. It'll be a significant career move and my pay will almost be doubled if things work out.

So as you know, I don't really write unless I feel sad. This is one of the moments. Not that I had always been happy over the past four months; there were ups and downs but my relationship with Angel is now very stable. I've learned to let go of many things and be more feminine. I love him and he loves me, simple as that. I cherish him, respect him, and care for him and he does the same for me.

Unfortunately, Facebook has managed to ruined my mood tonight, again. I haven't reactivated my Facebook since my last entry in May until tonight. I saw many newborn baby pics. All my friends of my age are happily married with kids. I just seem to be way behind them. Just when I thought that was enough phubbing for the night, I saw another wedding photo with Cato and a good mutual friend in it. Cato was in a tux, which made me realize he was the groom.

And the woman he married is exactly my age with a similar background to mine. In addition to our similar facial features and body figure and education, she also loves toy dogs, loves painting, loves ice cream, and more importantly, zappy romantic shit. But why did Cato choose her but not me?

Not that I am not happy with what I have now or I would trade what I have now for Cato or Ken or whoever. I just can't wish them happy; I just can't help taking it personally. I wonder what I did wrong or what I didn't have. Those guys never gave me an answer. All of them said, "you're the whole package but it just doesn't feel right". What the fuck does that even mean? If I grew up in a healthier, wealthier family, would it feel right to them? I just can't forgive them for breaking my heart. Sorry, I just can't.

All these men who hurt me so badly are enjoying the greatest happiness on earth. They all have had beautiful, dreamy weddings and healthy smart kids. However, I don't have my wedding yet nor a baby. In fact, I don't even know if I can have babies because somehow it hurts when Angel tries to penetrate deeply so maybe the sperm would have a very low chance hitting my Fallopian tubes. Why doesn't karma work in my favor? Or is it because I did something bad before that I deserve bad karma?

I already have Ken, Eric, Alex, and JJ on my death wish list. Tonight the newsfeed hurts so much that I want to put Cato on my death wish list too. In the past, I didn't want to put those men on my death wish list because I thought they must be suffering in their life; I chose to spare them as a result of my sympathy. But now, they have everything one can dream of in the world, I want them on my death wish list. Ivan has never been on my death wish list because I truly know he loved me. Despite what happened in the end of our relationship and the fact that he's also happily married with a newborn baby, I don't blame him anymore. He did a lot for me and gave me a lot. Maybe I need more time to recover from those super short and meaningless flings? But seriously, they were only fucking flings! Why would I need time to heal from "flings"? Isn't that ridiculous? When Cato broke up with me, he even said we were just hooking up. He said he should want what I wanted but he just didn't feel like it.

Fuck. He's on my death wish list now. I can't bear the pain. I suffered so much as a result of the break up, which is all written in this blog. That winter, was the coldest, most depressing ever.

Ahh, another epiphany! This winter will be the warmest and the most romantic of all for me because I'll have my dream beach wedding in Bali.