Today.

 I barely slept last night because I was traumatized what Angel did to me yesterday morning and at the same time I was also very excited about Eric’s arrival. I had envisioned this day for the past two months and it finally happened, and it was absolutely nothing like anything I had imagined. 

First I scheduled a therapy at 11am today, way before Eric told me he was coming. However my therapist forgot that we were meeting at the clinic today so she was coming late and I had to cancel the session with her. She still called me over the phone to talk and I told her I was gonna meet Eric today and we didn’t have much time so I had to cancel. I also told her about what Angel did to me yesterday; it was a traumatizing day for me because I think in the past and in the future no one could hurt me as much as he did. The only man who had hurt me physically was my father. No one else has. As a result of that I couldn’t eat anything until 6pm because I was distraught and didn’t have any appetite. 

Then I picked up Eric from his hotel so that we could have more time together. As soon as we saw each other, we hugged for a long time. I cried a bit, but not as much as I had imagined. We were both feeling so happy and he said he felt a big rush in his body. I told him that I had been physically assaulted by Angel the day before, right at the moment when he texted me that he had boarded. He was absolutely shocked. Then we went to the R Hotel for food. We arrived earlier than my reservation so there was no availability. We went to 3 other restaurants in the hotel and eventually had the buffet. Nothing was exactly what I had predicted or planned. This time I was the one who paid for our meal. When we were in the City of Gold I had never picked up the bill once and he thinks I am wealthier than he is now and that he’s jobless so I should pay this time. I told him no problem that he could get the princess treatment this time.

He told me he was so nervous before our meetup. He said that in his prior experiences of meeting up with people from the past, they all ended up being repelled by him. I said, “why would I be repelled by you? We have been reconnecting for a while.” In our conversations, there were quite a few silent moments where we were just smiling and looking at each other. I tried to remember his face and his facial expressions. Interestingly he thinks my mannerisms are now more Americanized but I told him when we met in the US I already behaved the same way. He thought I felt less American when I was in the US. Then I figured that it was probably the change of backdrops. When I was in the US I stood out as Asian and when I’m in Asia I stand out as American. He got that right away because he’s the same way—neither of us exactly fits anywhere. That’s always been our thing; we’re exiles. When we were having dessert at the buffet, he was out of utensils to use and I was eating mine with a clean main course fork. He went to get clean utensils and he got me a small spoon for my tiramisu because he noticed that it’d be easier than my main course fork. That moment just reminded me of how much he took care of me when we were in the City of Gold. One time he walked me home and when I told him it was cold, he took off his blazer and put it on me right away. 

Then I took him to his 3pm meeting. He thought we’d be saying goodbye there but I proposed that I’d wait for him in the car and drive him to the airport after that. He finished his meeting in 30 mins and meanwhile I went to get us a couple of Evians. We talked more in the car as he came back.

At one point he talked about our structural figure. He obviously has been thinking about it but it’s just too messy right now. He’s afraid that after this meetup, there will only be two paths—escalation or termination. I said, “there should be many more options in between the two.” He told me about the closest experience he had a couple of years ago where he had a platonic friendship with a woman but eventually she tried to kiss him and it had to terminate it because he’s married. He’s afraid that at one point he’d no longer talk to each other like that situation. He also thinks that because I’m not yet out of my marriage if I step into a relationship right now it’s not going to work, which I agree. He thinks I’m in a liminal space right now where I want to leave home for a week (I told Angel that I was going to leave home for a week because if he doesn’t give me what I want for the divorce settlement he can feel free to have full custody of the kids and he should experience for once in his life what it is really like and how difficult it is to take care of our special needs kids without me. As soon as Angel heard that I was going to leave home for a week, he apologized for his assault in the morning and recorded our conversation on what I want for the divorce and my reasoning. Obviously I can’t leave home for a week because I’d be worried about my kids and I know the whole household would be dysfunctional.) Eric also had thought about our structural compatibility—he thinks I have a very expensive taste now and when I travel I like to fly business class and stay at five star hotels. It’s actually quite sweet that he’s actually thought about whether we can be together. I told him I don’t think about so many things at this point; I only live moment to moment, one day at a time. I told him that there are times when I need connections but if he’s not there then I should move on and see other men. He said he’s polyamorous so he’s totally fine with me dating other men. I said that’s not how it works for me; I’m not poly. I can’t stand the feeling of jealousy in a relationship because it leads to insecurity. I just can’t imagine that man is sleeping with other people. With insecurity there’s less trust and less depth. I don’t want to feel that way in a relationship. He said that if we ended up in a relationship he’d definitely make me feel insecure still. I told him that in my 10-year relationship with Angel I had never felt jealousy, and he said that’s because I went to the other extreme—I chose someone who was absolutely incompatible with me and nowhere at my level so that I could feel safe. He think if I ended up with someone like myself, I’d definitely feel insecure because he thinks I’m high-risk, i.e. someone who’s likely to have an affair. I told him this element is something I’ve been thinking about because it seems to run in my family—my father did it, my older brother did it, and my younger brother wants to do it but can’t. 

I told him that I didn’t want him to get on that flight. He said that if he missed his flight to Tokyo and missed his business meeting there, he’d probably end up getting a divorce. But I told him we weren’t really doing anything. At one point he has defined what we have as something beyond a romantic relationship which is more dangerous than just a romantic one. I told him that we should write our story into a movie and sell it for a lot of money and then retire. In the end I told him I can’t think about that much about the future but he can’t help but think about the future. I also told him that I can’t be waiting forever. He asked me with a surprised what I was waiting for. I said, “continuity”. He said again that he really didn’t want to lose me in his life because I understood him so well and the ways we react to things emotionally are so similar. He also said that this is what’s missing in his life right now and what we have is really really rare. We also agreed that the timing now is bad. I told him that since he loved to think so much, he can do all the thinking to figure things out and I’m not gonna think about it anymore, and he agreed to do all the thinking. 

Before he went to the airport, we had several long hugs again. After he landed in Tokyo, we talked for a bit over the phone until his wife called him. In this phone call he told me that he felt absolutely sad and had to stop himself from crying. I asked him why he was feeling sad, and he said he didn’t quite know. It was a lot of things, not having seen each other for 12 years and other things. He didn’t expect this level of intensity as we met; he thought we’d just meet as friends because he thinks I had totally friend zoned him, but I told him we never fit in the friend zone. He said he was surprised by the way I behaved and that I had been waiting. I told him I don’t exactly know what I’m waiting for but I know I’m waiting for something and I guess I’ll find out when it actually arrives. He said prior to our meetup he thought what we had for the past few months was so perfect and that our meetup could ruin it. I asked him if he thought our meetup had ruined it and he said of course not. Then we couldn’t talk further because he had to answer his wife’s call and I was too sleepy anyway.

I’m staying at a hot spring BNB for one night because I really needed a good night’s sleep in a totally quiet place. After I check out I’m going to do that scenic drive along the coast myself.