CPTSD Workbook 1

What parts of my day feel harder than they should be, and what they might say about my story?

I told Angel to take the kids to lunch so that I could be home alone for my EMDR session today. After my therapy I planned to take the kids for glamping and I had birthday gifts prepared for Little N. The whole glamping experience was meant to celebrate Little N’s 5th birthday. After Angel had lunch with the kids, he had no other way to entertain them so he took them shopping and bought Little N toys again. When I saw that I was upset, but I kept it cool and didn’t criticize. Then he claimed that I was being negative even though I did not use a single adjective. I told him I already had planned a whole experience for the kids and him buying Little N new toys is just ruining things for us. He’s gonna be fixated on the toys and not really enjoying outdoor activities. Imagine this: he packed a bag of toys from home for this trip, and then he got new toys from his dad, and he’d be getting another one at dinner for his birthday. His whole camping experience will be occupied by toys, not nature. Then Angel tried to diminish my plan by saying “it’s glamping. It’s fancy.” I said, “mandarin oriental is fancy.”

The kids didn’t like our argument in the car. I walked out of the car and argued with Angel. I asked, “why would you buy a toy in front of a child’s face and tell him that it’s gonna be his birthday present? As a parent you’re supposed to research and figure out the toy that’s the best for your kid and also use your own judgment to decide what kind of toys help them learn. Instead, you just ask Little N what he wanted and got it for him. He has a ton of action figures and his play is repetitive.” Angel said, “my parents always did that.” I said, “have you read any parenting book in the past two years?” He didn’t answer my question and said, “not in the past two weeks.” I pushed again, “not even in the past six months.” He couldn’t figure out what to say so I got in the car and tried to leave.

That was the hardest part of my day. His neglect, downplaying, unthoughtfulness all triggered me so hard. In our ten year relationship I definitely have been traumatized by him again and again.