Hurt

My son had been sick for a week and is now fine. However, for the past week Angel had said and done things to me that are incredibly hurtful. I have never felt so lonely since we started dating. At this point, I feel exactly the same way I did seven years ago, except that my son always makes me laugh.

I accidentally found out that there was another missed call from Ken on June 20. It was again made after midnight, at 2 a.m. This was the second time since my son was born. I couldn’t help but wonder what he wanted to say to me at this vulnerable moment of my life.

I keep wondering if he would ever yell at me the way Angel did if we could be together. I wonder if he would support me as I made keen observation of my son’s illness and trust my judgment. He did terrible things to me that I’d never forget, but I do miss the feeling of being a little girl around him as he took care of me. I miss the feeling that I knew he knew how I was feeling without saying anything. I miss the time when I could cry whenever I felt like crying without having to give a reason for EVERYTHING.

Yes, Angel and his family require a reason, rationality, scientific evidence for every instinct, judgment I have. I am so burned out by this. So I keep resorting to my fantasies back in the City of Gold.

But in the end, maybe Ken is just the same after all. This is a test from the universe, although I’m not really sure what it’s testing me for. I just want to be a little girl again, rather than the tough manly mother who has to drive her husband who can’t drive, speak and read for her husband who can’t understand the language used in the country we live in, and does all the housework while having a full time job—same job as her husbands—because her husband can’t do much housework.

I get it now—the universe is testing me how faithfully I can accept my fate.