Chilly Rain

Today is another rainy day, but not so cozy. My feet have been cold all day.

I have not blogged about customized dolls for a while because I was determined to focus on my career and return to this time-consuming hobby when my career is settled. Oh my career.

Is every human being waiting for a miracle? Is it the hope of a miracle happening some day that makes us keep breathing?

I had that miracle, only one year ago. I was an incredibly young and envied professional. Seriously, I was the youngest in the organization; I was the only senior undergraduate who got such an offer without a master's degree in my college. Everyone was crazy jealous, and I was crazy happy because at the time, I actually believed that a miracle happened--because my credentials weren't the best of all. One year later, the miracle shattered. They fired me for arbitrary reasons which I still cannot accept. My life is in hell now.

Another rejection today. REJECTIONS REJECTIONS REJECTIONS. In fact, you might find it hard to believe, I am very used to rejections. But at the time being, I am desperate for acceptance because ever since my unemployment I have been embarrassed, self-conscious, extroverted, fearful, anxious, and sad, which is the entire opposite of whom I used to be. People would be astonished if they saw Kendra like this now, because it's not even Kendra Johanson; it's more like, um, some depressed psycho who really wants to escape from all this reality.

This is my career crisis. Because of this I am also losing my freedom (because money buys you the ability to move around; if you don't have money, you'd better not go too far), I am losing time with my long-distance boyfriend, I am losing confidence from my family, even from myself. Everything is falling apart. It's been a few months but I still don't know how to explain it. If it is my fault, can anyone please tell me what exactly I did wrong? If it is someone else's fault, then why is the person doing this to me? Did I owe them anything? They broke my dream and took everything away from me. It is so painful, as if someone's peeling your skin, your heart. I worked very hard, 100 hours per week. I didn't get paid for working over time, but I was voluntary. What exactly makes my life terrible? Am I in fact stupid?