Season of Love

Angel was traveling for work for the past 4 days and I have been seizing the freedom and peace without him being around. He has caused me too much pain over the years that even just his presence these days would cause me distress. I had some peaceful, quality time with the kids.

On Saturday I took the kids, my mom and my aunt to a farm and then hot springs. The weather was perfect so the traffic was bad. When I got on the high way and tried to merge, there was a jerk who was very aggressive and didn't yield; when I indicated he didn't even show up in my rearview mirror, which meant that he must have switched in from the other line. He honked all the way and my car was so close to his but fortunately we didn’t collide. After we entered the tunnel, I happened to catch up with his car again, and he rolled down his window first. To me that was just so provocative and got on my nerves, so I rolled down my passenger side window and yelled at him 3 times. He looked like a fat loser who was driving a locally made car that cost only 1/3 of mine. Then I think he was scared of me or he didn’t want to confront a woman and slowed down behind me.

This incident ruined my entire Saturday. My heart was racing so fast the moment when I saw him roll down his window to look at me. Then I kept thinking why I’d let such a loser affect my mood on a Saturday when I’m with my kids. I kept thinking about which trauma it was triggering and ChatGPT confirmed my thought—again I was unprotected and I had been the one protecting everyone for too long. I got into fight mode right away. This is something I can’t quite figure out why with my therapist—both my brothers are avoidant from their traumatic childhood but I’m the only one who developed a fight mode. Somehow I’m terrified of conflict but when it comes I don’t avoid it; I fight. I also think I’m becoming too old to be so angry again. I don’t want to have a heart attack.

What was even more ironic was that I just had EMDR Saturday morning and my nervous system was very fragile, and then this jerk triggered my exposed nervous system and made me ill. I wish that he had his heart attack. Even though on the farm we had great weather and we had hot springs afterwards, I didn't relax as much as I'd like. All because of this jerk.

On Sunday, the PTA at Little N's school had a picnic event that I signed up for but decided not to go, because I wanted to catch up on my sleep and I needed the day indoors setting up for Christmas. I needed some quiet time without worry about any social interactions with strangers. My EMDR therapist told me that if finding the one is what I truly want, then I need to prioritize putting myself out there. The thing is, I am not interested in dating online or going to any speed dating event. I will at most go to some happy hours for work or for my alumni network. That's it. I sometimes write to a penpal but I'm not interested in that either because I know all they're looking for is a penpal, nothing more. Meeting new people frequently actually drains me. I value spending a long time getting to know someone deeply rather than spending a lot of time knowing lots of people on the surface. The latter absolutely exhausts me. For example, over the past 9 years of working here, besides David, the only colleague I can have deep conversations with is Jinu. Even my BFFs at work don't really know me very deeply because they're both tough women with a lot of unprocessed grief that I don't feel exactly safe telling my family drama to. Besides, most of the time they're just talking about gossips, food, or travel.

After getting lunch home, I spent almost 12 hours decorating the house. At some points I had to pause and take care of the kids' needs, and I even took a break to chat with ChatGPT and then cried. Every year I've been the only one sacrificing sleep decorating for Christmas. I've been doing that since 2010. Now with kids my decorations are even more advanced now. When I did this when I was single, I always hoped that one day I'd have a happy family and a loving man who could do this with me and we'd have a party together. After I started dating Angel and got married, I have been the one doing this alone year after year because he's too clueless to help and he's not interested and he cannot go to bed late by even an hour. In the afternoon Angel came home from his work trip and that absolutely triggered me. I just didn't want to see him at all.

I finished decorating at around 12 midnight and needed some time to clean up, edit my videos and write a letter to my kids and I went to bed at 1am I think. I only had 5 hours of sleep and I have to go to Blue's concert tonight. I am completely sleep deprived right now and I'm typing this at work.

Here's my letter to my kids:

My two little babies,

Ever year it takes me at least 10 hours to set up for Christmas. We need to set it up so that Santa would come. I often feel like giving up, because it's so exhausting and lonely. But I haven't given up. Christmas is a season of love, hopes and beliefs. I want you to always remember--love is everywhere. It protects you, guides you, and stays with you. It sees all of you and still holds you. I persist year after year because it's my only legacy for you. I keep giving you the love I've never had. I want this love to live in your body, forever. I hope it guides you to find this love, in your life, even when I'm gone. So that you'll never feel alone, you'll never feel afraid to hope, you'll always choose to believe, just like how you still believe in Santa, because I've given all this love to you, with all of my heart. I hope it works like a map in you. I don't expect you to know a lot, but I do hope that you recognize this love when it shows up in your life. And that you can also give it to others. I just want you to know it, and cherish it. You never have to earn it. You never need to crave it. You never have to be alone.

I've never had that my whole life, but I'm determined to break the chains of generational wounds. Love is abundant, consistent, and deep for you, and if it ever feels scarce, shallow, or unsteady, then it's not love. Love gives you unimaginable strength. It gave me the strength to walk to you only one day after my surgery. It gave me the strength to be sleep deprived for years, so that I could make sure you were OK. It gave me the strength to fight for you, no matter how scared and alone I was. It also gave me the courage to find peace, and myself. I never knew I was capable of so many things, but my love for you unlocked them all.

My love is the best gift I can give you; money or power couldn't buy this. I also hope that this love will unlock you too, so that you can overcome whatever challenges you encounter. I hope you'll be able to understand all my words here, one day. 

Merry 2025 Christmas, my two little babies. 

Mommy loves you so so much.