Another storm.

There’s been another storm in the City of Rain and I’ve been somewhat sick today. I wrote an email to Gen.

Hi Gen, I think the typhoon has been dissolved by the mountains in the City of Rain again so you’ll probably stay dry.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things these past few days, although I still work like crazy every day and am still sleep deprived. Maybe it’s because it’s my dad’s birthday today, maybe it’s because some ancient memories are coming back to me after my last therapy session, or maybe it’s because of the rain and the gloomy cloudy sky.

I’ve been thinking about some friends of mine and how I actually get along with them. When I was growing up, I could not vibe with girls who were my age. All my female friends today are much older than I am somehow. In my school years, girls of my age or in my class absolutely hated me so I barely had any female friends (and I went to an all-women high school for three years which totally ruined my teenage years). But these days I’ve realized that for the first time in my life I’ve got more female friends than male friends. This reminds me of something you’ve told me a while back—maybe I can find pockets of peace and people who can offer me compassion, in fragments, but they matter.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about is the single most relationship I had before my marriage. It was in my early 20s. We were forced into a long distance relationship after I lost my first US visa and eventually we broke up over the phone. I had had amnesia about this relationship for over a decade but recently it came back to me. I had forgotten about this relationship so completely because I didn’t think I’d ever have another relationship like that again. I convinced myself it wasn’t real and therefore there’s no point in finding another relationship that could be just as good; I told myself that if it was real then it would had never ended the way it did—over the phone, not even FaceTime (ok to be fair at that time we didn’t have smartphones and barely webcams). During our long distance relationship I worked really hard with a lot of pain trying to put the pieces back together for my life so we could be together again. However, he took the practical approach—he had to move back to his hometown and take over his family business and I had a whole future ahead of me so he decided we wouldn’t have a future together. After he moved back home, he started dating a woman who he had slept with before he met me and eventually they got married, had a girl. A couple of months ago, he messaged me and told me he is divorced, but we haven’t been corresponding since then. My guess is that he’s been divorced for a couple of years, at least.

When I think back at this relationship, I realize that it was the only time when I felt truly safe in a relationship. He absolutely understood me and cared for me, without me asking for it. But because of the way it ended, it was hard for me to accept that as real: if it was real, why couldn’t we fight against all odds? Why did the universe have to take it away from us?

Now as someone who’s almost 40, I think I have a better understanding. He knew better than I did, when I was only 23. He told me that I needed someone better who could take care of me, and at that time I thought it was all bullshit. After that relationship nobody has really ever taken care of me; it has always been me taking care of myself. But I now finally see what he saw; he had thought I deserved more than what I thought I deserved. How can my fate take me almost 20 years to figure this out?

So these thoughts and questions have kept looping in my head for days. Sometimes I feel lost, unsure of how I should be feeling, or even how I’m feeling. It’s a blend of so many emotions and somatic memories that I get lost in it. Have you ever felt something like this before?

Your music and words sit very well with my feelings and thoughts as I keep spiraling. I’ll get some peace time in the next few days because the kids’ dad is traveling for work so it’ll be just the three of us again. On Monday I’ll get to see Blue in Taipei and I’m definitely gonna cry my eyes out when they sing “Guilty” or “Walk Away”. 

Then next weekend it’ll be my work trip to HK. I have not been back there for 12 years!! I should get some good food and drinks while I’m there, although it’s only for two days…😑

How have you been? I know you’re crazy busy with work and have no time to write to me. How are you feeling?

Best,

Kendra

*******

On the penpal app I’m using there’s another guy in Sweden who sent me a couple of letters that touched me, but I feel that most people on this app just want to have someone to talk to; they’re not really interested in meeting up in person or actually aligning lives. I write back but sometimes I feel like just never writing back because I think eventually everyone will fade away and I have to start over, keeping hoping from ground zero. If you meet someone who truly sees you, stays with you in your storm, wouldn’t you want to be with this person structurally as well? Even if your life is very simple, day after day? When random strangers attack you, you have this person to fall onto and you don’t have to feel scared anymore. Isn’t that one of the best things in the world? Why don’t people fight for these anymore?