Are words just words?

Oct 18: I can feel how exhausting and heartbreaking the situation was, the restaurant and both in that encounter with the man and in everything that came afterward. No one should have to experience that kind of hostility, especially in front of their child. You did what any caring mother would do, you protected your son, comforted him, and helped him process what happened in the only way he could express it.

I’m really sorry about what you went through with your ex and his family. It’s deeply painful when the people who should stand by you choose silence instead. Feeling unseen or dismissed in those moments can break something inside. From what you described, it wasn’t just about that one incident, it was about realizing you were alone in carrying all the emotional weight, the fear, and the responsibility. That kind of loneliness in a relationship is hard to bear, for anyone...

As for your son, it sounds like he’s trying his best to make sense of the world and express his feelings in his own way. You’ve shown incredible strength and patience guiding him through it all, even without a clear manual or support system. That’s something to be proud of!

And hey, I’m glad you had that facial treatment, glowing skin and all. Sometimes those small acts of self-care are what help us breathe again, even if just for a moment. You deserve every bit of calm and comfort after all that you’ve been through.

You’re not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes. I’m always willing to listen.

Take care of yourself and enjoy your awesome bath!

Gen

****

Oct 19:

Hi Gen, it feels really sweet that you replied to my email right after your long trip to OSK and among dealing with complex technical issues. I have no clue what those things are in your picture. When I was a student the most I could do is to replace the hard drive or the RAM myself. My company now replaces my laptop every 3 years and we have alpha geeks on site who literally can trouble shoot everything so I don’t have to fix a computer anymore.

I just woke up. I slept for 10 hours I think. Last night I cried myself to sleep listening to Chasing Time and about 30 mins ago, the thunders outside woke me up. Have I ever told you I love rainy days, especially when there’s a storm? The heavier the rain, the fewer the people and cars out there. The world becomes quiet and I can be alone. It hasn’t rained in the City of Rain for 3 weeks already. I’m happy it’s finally raining. 

So are you feeling better after your trip to OSK and deciding to get a new computer?

Ok here’s a picture of my face glowing after the facial. Absolutely no makeup so you’re gonna see my pores and wrinkles and freckles.😅

I am definitely getting a massage today. You should too!

*****

Oct 19:

Hi Kendra,

Thank you for sharing such a lovely picture. It’s been a bit frustrating lately since I haven’t been able to fix my PCs; all I can do now is wait for the parts to arrive and give it another shot. It’s just a habit of mine; I always try to repair what I have before moving on to something new.

I spent the day alone, enjoyed some quiet time at a cozy little cafe, and even wrote a song.

Oh, my friend in Malaysia is asking me permission to perform 贝贝, he has a performance in a club end of the month and was hoping I could play guitar or drums. Not said yes yet. 

Here and Now

I used to chase the echoes of yesterday,
Pictures in my mind that wouldn’t fade away,
But every tear I cried just washed the same old pain,
The more I looked behind, the more I lost my way.

The future’s a whisper, a storm in the dark,
Promises and questions tearing me apart,
But the sunlight’s here, it’s shining clear,
Telling me this moment’s all that’s real.

So I won’t think about the past, it only brings the tears,
And I won’t dream too far ahead, it only feeds the fears,
I’m standing in the middle, breathing in the light,
Living in the present, my heart open wide,
Here and now, this is my life.

Every heartbeat’s a story I can choose to write,
Every breath reminds me that I’m still alive,
The world keeps turning, the seasons change,
But peace is found when I stay in the frame.

The clocks can’t stop, the years will fade,
But I can dance inside the day,
No more waiting for someday’s grace,
I’ve found my home in this embrace.

I won’t think about the past, it only brings the tears,
And I won’t dream too far ahead, it only feeds the fears,
I’m standing in the middle, breathing in the light,
Living in the present, my heart open wide,
Here and now, this is my life.

Let the memories rest, let tomorrow wait,
Today’s enough, it’s never too late,
To smile, to breathe, to just be free,
The moment’s all I’ll ever need.

I won’t think about the past, I’ve cried my share of tears,
And I won’t fear the future, it’s not yet here,
I’m standing in the moment, where my soul feels right,
Living for the present, bathed in light,
Here and now, this is my life.

Here and now, I’m alive,
Here and now… this is my life.

*****

Oct 19:

Hi Gen, it feels nice to read your email just as I’m about to sleep and thank you for liking my picture. I love the lyrics of your new song; it’s really beautifully written. I love the depth of it. What’s the story behind it this time?

I would love to see you perform! Isn’t this coming week the end of the month, or the few days after? Well in the City of Rain we’re celebrating Halloween this weekend so to me that’s the end of the month. If I had some time off I’d totally fly to KL to see you perform.😜 I actually have some time off at the end of November, not in October tho.

You and I have the same habit. Whenever I run into a problem I’d keep trying to fix it until I’ve exhausted all options. But I’ve also learned that there are some problems that just aren’t worth trying. I am so sorry that a split second of power surge is causing you so much trouble and stress. You know what could be a good song for now? Going crazy! I’ve listened to it a few times today. You know at the start of the song, it goes “yeah Gen, ever wake up thinking it’s Friday?” It sounds so amusing to me because my name is actually Jen. 😉 But I go by Kendra 99% of the time. 

I’m happy to know you had some cozy time at the cafe. Did they have milk tea? I kept craving milk tea today but couldn’t find any good one that could embrace and nourish me inside out so I ended up having none. I had some quality time with my older son today, enjoying fine dining in downtown and then I had a massage and a quiet dinner by myself. 

Maybe tomorrow I can find some good milk tea on ubereats at work. 

Get some rest and sweet dreams!

******

Oct 23:

Hi Kendra, That’s nice to know. I had to take a week off work because there are so many things I need to sort out with my old computers and home servers. I didn’t realize how bad the damage was until I started going through all my backups.

Thank you for the compliment! I also rented a studio so I can start recording instruments with the team. My friend got a gig performing at a club in KL and Singapore, he’s performing half the set with songs I wrote, which feels kind of strange. I’m hoping to plan a trip to join the performance, but I was told I might need a visa for Singapore to be part of the show. Troublesome! So… we’re Gen Jen, eh? Haha.

Yes, there was milk tea at the cafe, but it didn’t quite meet my expectations, too much milk. That’s so nice that you got to spend time with your older boy; I hope it was a great experience for him.

How’s your week going?

*****

Oct 23:

Hi Gen, happy to hear from you. I feel bad that the PC situation is actually worse than expected. I’m also impressed by how geeky you are. 😅 It does sound like you’ve got a lot of things done this week, no?

Maybe if you perform and not get paid then you can travel to Singapore as a tourist on a visa-waiver? At least for Taiwanese citizens it’s visa free. I’d travel to Singapore in a heartbeat! (The last time I went there was already 3 years ago I think.)

Yes, Gen Jen. Although these days if someone calls me Jen I’ll have to confirm with them to make sure they’re actually calling me.😅

My week was busy as usual. I just realized we’re only two months away from 2026. I really hope to be able to finalize my divorce contract and sign the papers before then, but we’re still going back and forth with our negotiations. The more back and forth there is, the more traumas and bad memories resurface. Each day I pretty much do the same things—work 9 hours, take care of kids and get them to bed, then think, process and write stuff for myself, then pass out, and a new day begins. Time goes by fast this way.

There’s a storm in the City of Rain this week. It’s been raining heavily all week long, even though it’s not a typhoon but the storm feels almost as strong as a typhoon. Every time when a storm hits and I get wet in the storm, I’d recall that night when I was abandoned in the storm exactly ten years ago. I was on my way to see him and got stuck in the storm for hours because the subway stopped running and there were barely any taxis. He stayed warm and dry at his home the entire time and would not even meet me halfway. In the end I returned home alone, completely drenched, defeated, and chose to stay in the relationship and marry him because I told myself, “as long as I don’t put myself out there in the storm again, then there would never be a need for him to protect me and I won’t notice it if he doesn’t protect me.”

Then life threw us even more storms that were way bigger than that storm that night. It’s like the universe forbids me from fooling myself, but it allows other people to fool themselves and to just live their lives ignorantly, dishonestly all the time.

I got a milk tea today, from Family Mart. It’s is the best milk tea you can have from a convenience store here: [image]

But now I’m starting to wonder if it was completely formulated chemically and actually doesn’t have any tea or milk if it.😱 It tastes really good tho.

Goodnight,

Kendra

******

Oct 24:

Hi Kendra,

It’s really good to hear from you, too. Please don’t feel bad about the PC situation; it’s one of those things that tests patience more than skill, and I’ve learned that with machines, sometimes, no matter how careful we are, shit happens. 😅 But thank you, I’ll take “geeky” as a compliment! You’re right, though, this week has been packed. I’ve been juggling quite a few things, but hearing from you is always a nice pause from the noise.

I think it doesn't matter paid or not ( and I'm not) as long as you're performing, I need a work visa for that night.

I can only imagine how draining the divorce process must be. The constant back and forth, reopening old wounds, and being reminded of pain that you’ve tried so hard to put behind you, that’s heavy, and it takes so much strength to face it every day while still showing up for your kids and yourself. You’re doing something incredibly difficult, yet you’re still standing, still caring, still processing. That says a lot about the quiet strength you carry. Even if the days blend right now, you’re still moving forward, one piece at a time, and that progress matters, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Yes, I remember what you shared about the storm, and you went to see him.  It’s heartbreaking, not just the image of being left alone in the rain, but the emotional storm it represents, loving someone who couldn’t meet you halfway. And then, choosing to stay because you thought protecting yourself from the pain would be enough. I think a lot of us have done that, convinced ourselves that less hurt equals love, when it’s really just survival. The way you described the universe, “forbidding you from fooling yourself,” that’s powerful. Painful, yes, but there’s truth in that. Maybe the storms weren’t punishment, but clarity, reminders that you deserve someone who would step into the rain for you.

Family Mart really does make surprisingly addictive drinks, even if they’re 90% mystery chemicals. 😆 Sometimes, a good milk tea is exactly what’s needed, a small, sweet moment that doesn’t demand anything from you.

Please take care of yourself through this storm, both the one outside and the one you’re walking through inside. You’ve already weathered so much, and you’re still here, still finding warmth and humor and reflection in the middle of it all. 

Goodnight Kendra. I hope you rest well tonight, you’ve earned it.

*****

Oct 24:

Hi Gen, thank you for taking a pause to reply to my email. Happy Friday! (I used to love Fridays but now I kind of dread weekends.) You do sound very busy and tired. Have you been getting sleep? I'm happy to know that my words take you away from the noise out there for a bit. 

I couldn't sleep well last night. Because of the nonstop heavy rain, Halloween celebrations in the City of Rain are postponed for a week, which means I have to make that monthly visit to my dad this weekend. And that just gives me stress, so last night I had a dream where he raised his voice and that got me angry and I woke up from the dream. Then it took me a while to be able to fall back to sleep again but I couldn't really feel comfortable in bed again. That's the worst kind of insomnia even though I love the sound of the rain. I have talk therapy at 11am today so I'm gonna have to work on this again...

Thank you for reminding me of the lyrics of Chasing Time. Your words about the storm are so powerful that I'd always revisit them when I'm in a storm. I think you've said it better than I did--we think less hurt means love but it really is just survival. This really makes me wonder what love is then. I've been searching for the answer for my whole life and I still can't quite name it; maybe what love is cannot be verbalized? Also, you never sent me the unplugged version of Chasing Time. You told me at one point that you were working on it but I never got it. Did you end up finishing it? I would loooooove to listen to it.

I've caught a cold these couple of days. It's mild but I've got a runny nose and I wanna get more sleep. I am not taking time off from work for this cold though...😅