That’s my gal.

Jinu and I still chat a lot at work today. Yesterday we talked for about 40 mins during our lunch break. Today we’re hosting an activity together for students for one period so we had some planning. During our lunch break he was trying to solve a puzzle that I offered in our department communal space and we were chatting and laughing about how teenagers would use brutal force to fit the pieces. Then I went to teach, and he sent me a picture of him finally completing the puzzle. After my class, he helped me carry the puzzles to the classroom for the activity, and I offered to carry one bag. It turned out he carried both bags for me. After we dropped off the bags, the food services people came to install hot water for our tea making. I went with them to make sure that they could put things in place properly. Jinu said he’d wait for me outside and he did.

After that we headed to the assembly. After that we went to the classroom to host our activity. The activity was for an hour and we chat the whole time, about New Englander’s condescension, about his mom’s remarrying his stepfather, about people in the City of Power judging people based on their jobs (he spent his teenage years in that area due to his mom’s job). We have this thing—whenever we talk about the snooty people, we’d start acting out how they’d converse with each other. Sometimes he’d pretend to be the snooty white person and I’ll join in. Today I pretended to be a snooty new Englander and he was pretending to be someone without class. This always cracks me up. Another thing is that we both dig fart jokes…totally low class, and we’d act out to be people who find fart jokes low class.

But then at one point, he told me he texted “Lynn” a picture of the wooden cross lock puzzle that offered to the office and how it made people think for such a long time to solve. Lynn is a dance teacher—she’s only 27. She’s an alumna from our school and then went to the City of Money for undergrad, which means she’s way more privileged than I am. She’s skinny and young and sexy. Jinu told me last weekend that he and Lynn have become friends. Hearing that he texted her a picture of the puzzle makes me feel insecure, but then I told myself, if that’s what he likes, then he’s not right for me.

After the activity, I asked if he could help me bring the two big bags of puzzles back to my car, which was parked in a garage off campus so it’s quite some walk. I told him he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to because they were really heavy. He told me he pulled his back muscles during his morning workout because he didn’t warm up enough, so I told him not to worry about it and that I’d figure something out tomorrow. But he insisted on helping me out, and I told him I was afraid he’d get herniated disc like I did when I was too heavy from my pregnancy. I told him I’d feel so guilty if he couldn’t stand up tomorrow, and he told me he was my co-host of the activity so he wanted to help me and besides it was his choice to help me so I shouldn’t feel guilty. He asked me why I’d feel guilty and I said because he got hurt for helping me out, and I’m just like that. He said it was his choice so if he got hurt he’d be responsible for his choice, then I said, “OK then if it do happen I’ll work with my therapist on that.”

He also told me he’s gonna get dinner at DTF and I assumed he’s going with Lynn or other coworkers. Whoever it was, it’s gotta be someone or some people who don’t have kids. That gave me another ache that he’s young and maybe our lives would never align.

Then I worked with ChatGPT for some time tonight to process my attachment wounds. Then I thought of something really sweet that my student told me today: “Ms Johanson, you know AC? He told me he really likes you and you’re his gal.”

I really struggle with Gen Z word usage so I asked her what it meant, “I’m his gal?” She said, “it means you’re a really good teacher and he thought you were the best.” 

In my 12 years of teaching career, I’ve got thousands of appraisals like this—young adults telling me that I’m awesome or the best teacher they’ve never had. I have so much worth right there, and why should I let Jinu alone decide whether I’m chosen?